Relationships are hard. It’s challenging enough to work on ourselves and deal with our personal mind chatter, past wounds, and belief systems. Bringing another person into the equation creates a new realm of challenges; soon two egos are present. Although the ego can be loud, the quiet soul is strong and ever-present. A first love, a long-lasting marriage, or a painful divorce, are all opportunities for growth and greater consciousness.
Use Romantic Relationships to Wake Up.
Relationships are opportunities to wake up. The toxic ones and the nurturing ones both serve as equally beneficial experiences in our lives. Relationships that thrive off of toxicity, drama, and turbulent cycles, feed off of the egoic nature of the mind.
If both partners are “unconscious” (as it relates to enlightenment) the relationship will be plagued with conflict. A relationship between two unconscious people can result in a cycle of drama or can present both people with an opportunity to wake up from this lower vibration into a greater state of awakening.
Don’t Take On A Relationship As An Identity.
Although two unconscious people may be experiencing low lows in the romantic relationship, they also experience high highs. The ego is woven from the threads of identity that we create. We take on roles and internalize them; like the girlfriend with the perfect boyfriend, the successful CEO, or the beautiful model. If these roles are compromised we feel like our sense of self is destabilized.
The ego always feels incomplete, like the half of a whole. People who feel like they are not enough on their own get a rush of euphoria when their partner accepts and loves them. This explains why people who struggle with self-worth tend to cling to their relationship and will tolerate any abuse or overlook conflict in order to secure the presence of their partner.
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
In the good parts of the relationship, these two people feel ecstatic joy in their unity. At last they have had a taste of how it feels to be complete. Receiving doting compliments, gifts, or lustful sex, with their partner feels like a blissful sensation of worth, love, and belonging. However, the sense of unworthiness lurks under the surface and can manifest if the outer circumstances change at any time. This makes this bond highly unstable.
The Desire for Stability and Control.
A common reaction to this instability is a desire to control and change the partner in the relationship to continue fulfilling every need of the ego. If the partner is not acting the way one expected, you will rush to adjust, judge, scold, or fix the issue to preserve your own sense of lack. This controlling behaviour is exhausting for both people involved and can become an addictive cycle of drama.
The Disintegration of Boundaries.
Another common reaction is dissolving all boundaries to stay in the relationship at any cost. If a person relies on their relationship to feel worthy, the relationship becomes more like a necessity for survival than a human connection. The person will overlook abuse, tolerate bad behaviour, and often “weather the storm” through cheating, drug use, financial betrayal, lying, pathology, abuse, and other behaviours they had previously told themselves they would never stand for.
Some people find themselves obsessing over their partner or their relationship. If your sense of worth is perceived to be outside of you and in the hand’s of another, you’re going to pay close attention to them. Some people become overcome with their relationship. They feel anxiety if they haven’t received a text back, they feel euphoria when they get affection or attention, they feel an influx of jealousy when their relationship is threatened, they feel constant fear of a breakup, and many other micro-dramas.
Three Ways You Can React to a Breakup.
A breakup or end to this relationship is one of the most terrifying possibilities for someone who is unconscious and seeking fulfillment from the relationship. Rejection or being abandoned for someone else, destabilizes the person’s sense of worth. If all of their worthiness comes out of the belief that this one person truly loves them (giving them permission to love themselves), the love for themselves disintegrates quickly.
“He told me he would always love me.”
“She said I was the only one she could see herself with.”
“I thought I was special.”
All of these post-breakup thoughts point to a larger belief system that validation from your partner was the foundation for your worth. People can react in three ways.
1. Delusion and Clinging.
You can play and replay the positive parts of the relationship and the validating words. You can read and reread the “I love you’s” in an attempt to keep your worth intact with their past validation. You can convince yourself that they will come back to you or that you are meant to be together. This is when you are unable to let go of the need for outside of validation and unable to see worth on your own.
2. Victim Mentality and Hopelessness.
You can focus on the bad parts of the relationship and convince yourself that they do not, and never loved you and that you’re worthless. You can use the end of the relationship or rejection as validation that you have no inherent worthiness. You can see the rejection as proof that you’re not enough and wallow in pity or victim mentality.
3. Acceptance and Growth.
You can accept the present moment and accept that the relationship has ended. You can use the experience as a growth opportunity and realize that you were placing your self worth in an temporary object (relationship) outside of yourself. You can reclaim your worth and value on your own. You can use your wounds to experience growth and resilience.
How to Move On From Heartbreak.
One of the greatest obstacles that prevents someone from moving on from a heartbreak is the mind. The thinking or neurotic mind cuts the wound over and over instead of contributing to the healing process.
Have you experienced sleepless nights? Have you replayed moments of the relationship over and over to experience comfort or relive pain? Have you experienced anxiety wondering if the other person is moving on or worrying that they’re happier without you?
These toxic thinking patterns stem from living in the past or future. The person engaging in these habits can be hard to be around because they either obsessively talk about the relationship or appear to be in a daze thinking about it. They are not present. Their life is being lived in a painful state of non-present.
The Present Moment is All You Ever Have.
Living in the present moment is the only way to recover from a broken heart. In the moment you will realize that your life goes on without the other person. Although outside circumstances change and end, you are still there. The loss of a job, the end of a relationship, the death of a loved one; no matter how difficult the end of something is, it teaches us that we cannot place our peace in the delicate temporary state of the world outside of us. We have all we need inside ourselves.